Love the One You’re With

Love the One You’re With. What does that mean? If you’ve been following our posts over the last few weeks, you know that it sure as hell doesn’t mean settling for a loveless story just because it is convenient or you don’t know how to get out of it.

What it means, my Darlings, is love the person looking back at you from the mirror. That’s “the One” you need to love more than anyone else. Until you truly love yourself, don’t bother getting involved with another person.

You already know my credentials, so here Miss O will speak with authority. I have found that those people who stay in dead-end relationships are stuck because they don’t think they deserve better. They don’t have a high opinion of themselves and so they allow any douchebag with decent hygiene to take advantage of them. If you believe that you are a wonderful person, you cannot allow yourself to be treated poorly. If you have respect for yourself, you will command respect from others. If you don’t, why should anyone else bother?

If you are looking for a mate to be your life raft, the story is already doomed. If you think finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, and “being loved” is going to turn your life around, lift you out of loneliness and “complete you”, it could work for a little while. In the same way putting a band-aid over a ax wound could stem the blood flow.

However, if you think you’re already pretty f*cking great, and a significant other will be the icing on the cake, then you have a damn good shot at finding the real thing. My point: You have to love yourself FIRST.

When I met Honey I was having the best hair day of my life. I had splurged on a new ‘do with the fabulous Sebastien and walked out of the salon thinking: I am the cutest girl in Paris. No small feat in a city teeming with babes.

I was supposed to have had a date that night with a Russian Count, who called me to say: Dahlink, I can’t see you this weekend, I have to fly to Stockholm blah blah blah excuses excuses excuses. Are you angry?
I checked my pulse and thought: Nope.
The Count actually said: I hope you don’t meet your future husband tonight, I will be so jealous.
Did he think I should be sitting at home pining away?
I simply replied: We’ll see. I hung up and thought: I am fabulous and brilliant, and my hair and I are going out on the town. You snooze, you lose, Dahlink.

Honey has since confessed that he didn’t really love my haircut, but I was emanating such an “I’m awesome” vibe that it was like a tractor beam he couldn’t escape.

February 14th is a day fraught with anxiety and stress for many. If you are single, the fact seems to be rubbed in your face. If you are coupled, the ridiculous expectations are no fun. I sent her two dozen roses but she was pissed because I didn’t write a card. You can’t win. It really is no different from the day before or the day after. I know that you know this logically, but sometimes it is hard to see past the cupid and hearts conspiracy perpetrated by the greeting card mafia..

So to take your mind off it, I am giving you a homework assignment. It doesn’t matter if you are happily/miserably attached or single.

You are going to write a love letter…to yourself. No protesting. You will do it.

It can be flowery, it can be bullet-points. I don’t care. This assignment is mandatory, and you will write it down. Or type it, if you’re one of “those” people. You’ve never written a love letter? Now’s your chance. I am asking you to tell yourself what’s so great about YOU. The things you appreciate, the quirks that are loveable. At least one of the points must be a compliment about the physical you.

Sidebar: when I teach Charm School, the first lesson is: How To Accept a Compliment. Most people are incredibly inept at responding to a compliment. Why oh why is our first instinct to be self-deprecating? to put ourselves down? Enough with this rubbish, I say! Be honest: when someone gives you a compliment, do you say thank you and mean it? Or do you deflect and turn it against yourself?

You like my dress? Oh, well I’ve actually gained weight and can’t wear my other clothes waaaah waaah waaah. NO.
You think my hair looks good? But my skin is a mess and I don’t have a boyfriend. UNACCEPTABLE.

I’m going to quote my girl, Whitney:

Learning to love yourself/ It is the greatest love of all

Back to your letter…I know there are things that you love about unique, wonderful you. Please, Darlings, take a few minutes to do this for yourself.

I’m going to give you a head-start with a sample Love Letter to Me.

Dear Miss O,

Have I ever told you how happy I am that I get to spend my life with you? I think you’re terrific, and I am lucky to be near you everyday.

I love you from your delicate ankles to your well-groomed eyebrows and every part in between. I love that you can sing the St. John Passion from memory and also the complete oeuvre of Hall n’ Oates. I think it’s pretty neat that you don’t take sh*t from anyone, and that you color-coordinate your closet. I find it adorable that you want to eat ice cream even when it’s frackin’ freezing outside. I love the way you don’t give a f*ck about styles or trends and have created your own original look. I appreciate that you are a dedicated friend to me (even when you have to call me out) and those you care about.

I am proud that you’re my “One”. I heart you and I hope that we will be together for many more years.

xox Miss O

Ok, Darlings, now it’s your turn. Write your letter (or print it out) and save it somewhere special to look at if you forget how magnificent, how loveable, how awesome you are. After you finish writing, go to the mirror or take out your compact, and tell the person looking back: I LOVE YOU. Go do it. Now.

You are loved, Darlings. Now pass me those chocolates!